It Wasn't Worth Losing You
by Sasurealian
Summary: I am going through life loving someone who I am afraid to admit my feelings to. Year by year times goes on and soon I begin to wonder if it is too late?  Is it worth risking our friendship over?  I am just too shy and I don't know why. SebaCiel Yaoi / AU


**Disclaimer**: I do NOT own Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler and sadly never will. *cries in corner*

**Title:** It Wasn't Worth Losing You

**Pairing:** Sebastian/Ciel Light Yaoi

**Rating:** T / Pg-13

**Genre:** Drama/Angst/Romance

**Summary:** I am going through life loving someone who I am afraid to admit my feelings to. Year by year times goes on and soon I begin to wonder if it is too late? Is it worth risking our friendship over? I am just too shy and I don't know why.

**Timeline:** Actual universe. Also known as 21st century.

**Warnings:** This is NOT SHOTA! Although it has mentions of love in it. There will be some sebaciel. ALSO IF YOU DON'T LIKE DO NOT READ! You're immature if you comment. I don't want to see any 'omg ewww.' I will laugh at you! Also, you will cry if you read this. Sorry.. =/ Lastly, there is a bit of cursing and I am also sorry if the characters are OOC. I tried my best!

**Status:** Complete! This is a oneshot!

**A/N:** Ciel and Sebastian are a YEAR apart. I thought I would throw that in for some of the stupid people out there.

* * *

><p><strong>It Wasn't Worth Losing You<strong>

**By Sasurealian**

**One Shot**

I grabbed a sheet of paper and crumbled it as I tossed it at my best friend's head. Success! Contact was made! He didn't flinch as he continued to stare ahead in class.

I inwardly sneered.

Yea, Ciel was the good kid. He tried hard in school, but I was always the one to watch him break and explode out in his anger fits.

I tossed another sheet. Failure.

A smirk spread across my face and I crumbled two sheets up into a ball.

I threw it rather hard and once it connected with Ciel's head, he flared.

"SEBASTIAN!"

Everyone in the classroom froze and shifted their gaze at Ciel; even the teacher. This was a much bigger success!

I upturned my lips and waved, "Hello Ciel. Nice day today, isn't it?"

His brow twitched and the teacher stopped talking to glance up at me and the loud mouth in front of my desk.

"Is there an issue here?" The teacher asked. I shrugged my shoulders as I blinked twice. "Nope, we're good."

After class that day I got the lecture of my life.

"Sebastian, you want me to fail Algebra? This is our freshmen year in high school, so we have to blend in and 'NOT' get into trouble."

I grinned slyly at him, "Of course, Ciel."

He huffed as he poked out his tongue, "I mean it!"

It was another moment in time when I saw Ciel's face and knew I loved him. He always did that. Where a spread of cherry pink would capture his cheeks and that unbelievable look on his face would shine through my own heart.

I snickered, "Ciel, lets head home and start our home work." I said as I grabbed the back of his shirt and began to pull him towards my house.

"H-hey, you jerk! Knock it off!" He flailed as he dug his heels into the ground.

I couldn't help, but to smile. I had known Ciel since two years ago and he was my very best friend.

I saw a lonely kid in the cafeteria, just sitting there all alone. Everyone knew his parents were murdered, but because of that everyone stayed away from him. They assumed he was bad luck or some type of scary curse placed upon him by a witch.

The moment I walked up to him and snorted 'smacking' him upside the head, I knew he was going to be my best friend.

"You idiot! Don't HIT me!"

I smirked eerily and snorted, "Stop acting so childish and share a sandwich with me."

It was two years ago, but I still remember it so clearly.

I knew that I loved him, but I didn't want him to know. Maybe I was afraid he would reject me. Maybe I was afraid of the looks. I was a guy and he was a guy and apparently that isn't normal. Besides, I didn't want to ruin our friendship over something ridiculous as love. I had him already, so it wasn't like he was going to slip away from me.

It wasn't worth the pain. It wasn't worth the loss.

"Okay, okay, I'll goooo, just stop yanking my collar. You're going to stretch it out." Ciel pleaded as he pulled my hands away from his shirt.

"Figures I'd win, shorty."

"H-hey! I'm not short." He protested.

"Hn, you're five feet."

"I'm five feet and four inches."

I rolled my eyes and smiled as we headed towards my house.

It was days like those that I enjoyed most. Me and Ciel doing stupid stuff; saying stupid things.

Our senior year of high school came within a blink of an eye. It worried me that our friendship might come to an end.

"Give me your foot, Ciel."

Ciel crossed his arms and scoffed, "Yea right. I'm seventeen years old! I don't need your help tying my shoes."

I yanked his foot almost tripping him and set it on my thigh, "You won't tie it, so I guess I'll have to."

I knotted his tennis-shoe and tried to hold back a smirk as he lightly blushed. "You're an embarrassment." He spat as he gave me a wonderful scowl.

"Don't deny that you can't tie your own shoes, Ciel. We all know you're not capable."

He gawked as he blinked twice, "Idiot. I can tie my shoe, but I sometimes don't feel like it."

We continued towards our next class, Ciel talking loudly. I realized he talked loud when he was angry. That was typically a lot when he was around me.

High school was always like that when it came to me and Ciel. Wherever I was, Ciel was, too.

We soon graduated and I stood next to Ciel as he walked forward and accepted his diploma.

We threw a huge party for ourselves since Ciel had social issues. He hated being around a lot of people and he would always state that people pissed him off. I would nod and agree. It was nice to be around him, if only for a while.

We both decided to go to the same college so we could be together. I jumped at the offer because it meant Ciel would be with me for a while longer. He told me that he needed me there so I could tie his shoes, or something stupid like that. I kept getting this idea that he was going to leave me, but the present was not the future and the past was not touchable. What I had now was what was most important to me.

Soon Christmas came and it had been a new record of snow and the temperatures were scary low.

"Ciel, stop staring out the window."

Ciel sighed as he pressed his forehead against the glass, "I can't help it. The snow just won't stop coming." He suddenly turned around and knotted his brows, "You should go home to your family, Sebastian. I'll be fine here this Christmas."

I quirked a brow as I leaned back on my bed, "What family? You are my family you dork."

Ciel walked over to my bed and wrapped his arms around himself, "Yea, actually have a mother and father."

My parents weren't really nice and they weren't exactly the loving type. Therefore I let them be and lived my own life. However Ciel didn't understand me when I would explain it to him. Sometimes I wondered if he was trying to get rid of me.

"Do you want to get rid of me?" I asked as I grabbed a blanket and threw it over the smaller boy. He glanced up into my eyes and bit his lower lip, "N-no, I am just suggesting that-"

"That I leave you alone and go down to see my badass parents who don't even want me? Yea, 'cause that makes sense." I stated with a roll of my eyes.

Ciel pouted as he hugged the blanket into his body, "T-thanks, Sebastian."

I sighed as I sat next to him on his bed and wrapped my arm around him, "You get too cold easily."

"Do not." He murmured.

"Do too."

"Not."

"Do."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you, too."

Ciel flashed his crystal eyes into mine, "Merry Christmas you idiot."

I grinned, "And happy new years."

College was hard, but it was the best years of my life.

Like the one time I got Ciel drunk.

Or the one time that Ciel was crushed senseless by his stupid girl friend.

He paced back in forth in our dorm we were sharing, "I HATE this! She said she can't go to the dance with me."

I blinked lazily, "We're in college, why does it matter?"

"It is important." Ciel snapped back while he threw arms in the air, "I never been to a dance before and well" Cile sighed, "I was looking forward to the one the college was throwing."

I finished my writing assignment and closed my laptop shut as I pulled my glasses off the bridge of my nose, "Ciel, if Elizabeth doesn't want to go with you then-"

"She said she wanted to, but now she is changing her mind." He sat in his office chair and spun around in it, "She didn't have the 'right' dress or something." Ciel said using fingers as quotations.

I tried not to snicker at his cuteness, but sometimes we don't always do as we want.

"I'll go with you. That settles that."

Ciel jumped out of the chair, "What? Are you insane!"

"Yea, I am actually."

Ciel shook his head, "That is going to make people think odd things, Sebastian. There is no way."

"Since when did you care what other people thought of you?"

Ciel didn't respond, but instead lowered his gaze. I watched as he rubbed his face in his hands, "I don't want to ruin your reputation."

"We're going as best friends, so let's go." I said taking his hand and pulling him towards the closet, "I'm going to make you look amazing!"

We finally got dressed and made it to the dance on time. Ciel was wearing a royal blue suit and I a red and black one.

Maybe we did receive odd looks, but none of them replaced the looks Ciel gave me. Especially the look I got when I asked him to dance with me.

"No, you're the girl!"

"Why the hell do I have to be the chick?" Ciel whined.

"You're shorter."

"Stop using that against me." He muttered with irritation.

I held him close as we danced. I was hoping my heart beat would remain calm, but when he leaned his forehead against my shoulder I felt something close to tears swell in my eyes.

Although they never fell from my lids, it still hurt. I began to wonder why something so beautiful could make me cry, but I found out that when you're so happy, you cry jovial tears. In this case maybe it was that I felt the happiness I wanted was so close, but so far away.

Next thing I knew college was ending. Ciel was twenty one years of age and I only one year older.

He was becoming a doctor while I was becoming an investigator for demons. I had always been into that type of stuff since I was damn sure I saw a demon in my house as a kid.

Ciel said he was going to save people's lives to make up for the loss of his parents.

* * *

><p>"I'm only going to be gone for a month, Sebastian. Don't get your panties in a knot." Ciel said as he packed his stuff into a suitcase.<p>

"I do not brood over my newfound sense of loneliness, dummy."

Ciel set his hands on his hips, "You're going to miss me, aren't you?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "In your dreams."

Ciel gnawed on his lower lip, "Wellsee you then."

And he left without another word.

Of course, he came back a month later and we were up two nights straight talking about what we had been up to. Ciel talked more than me which made me laugh because he wasn't one to talk so it was me he was talking to.

"The kid threw UP on me! It was nasty."

I laughed without retrain, "I knew you wouldn't like the gross factor of being a doctor."

"Hey, I am still in school for becoming a doctor! You're the one who had four measly years."

I nodded, "I won't argue with you there. But you were always the smarter more dedicated one."

Ciel grinned slyly, "Yea and you were always the one throwing paper balls at me. Yea, you're mature alright."

It was always the best of times. I had missed it for that month he was gone, but as time moved forward the times where we would spend alone and happy were beginning to slip away.

He was gone more and more. His job kept yanking him away from me and the nights where I would watch murder shows all alone in my room were becominglonely.

I missed his bed next to mine and how Ciel would whisper stupid comments back and forth to me.

Or the nights Ciel would feign his nightmares and slip into bed stating I would NEVER tell anyone.

I missed it.

I wondered if he would come back..?

I was now the age of twenty three and the days were becoming longer and much sadder.

I was getting called to jobs the weekends Ciel was home and I would apologize and he would fake a smile saying it was work and that I had to be a good minion and go and do it.

One weekend Ciel came home was one of the most toughest I had ever faced.

Ciel curled up in a ball on my bed and froze. He wouldn't talk to me and he was the definition of stressed, "Ciel..? Talk to me?"

"She is hard to deal with, Sebastian. She is sweet and whatever, but sometimes I want to hurt her."

I knew he was talking about Lizzy, but the truth was, I hated when he talked about her. She was nothing special and I wondered so many times why he was still with her? Why wouldn't he just get rid of her?

One of his old friends introduced him to her years ago and they had been going out since. Although I could tell Ciel wasn't happy with it, yet he still stayed with her.

I sat next to him on my bed and brushed my fingers through his soft silver hair, "Don't do this to yourself."

"Mmm.."

"Huh..?" I asked confused.

He pressed his face deeper into my pillow, "Justkeep doing that and make me feel better."

I lightly smiled as I continued to mess with his hair. Ciel only admitted his weakness to me. It made me feel special, but if I was so special then why wasn't I the one with him? Why wasn't I the one dating him? Why?

He fell asleep and I once again failed to admit my feelings for him. I loved him, I truly did, but I couldn't just tell him. I couldn't ruin our friendship.

It wasn't worth the hurt. It wasn't worth the pain. It wasn't worth the loss.

I winced at Ciel's now resting features. He looked so much different when he was asleep then when he was awake. His mind was constantly on go and he rushed himself to be perfect.

I stopped being perfect a long time ago, but I had Ciel to do it for me.

He was good at it.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. I blame the demon inside of me ('cause I know it was there) as I dipped lower and shut my eyes softly as my lips graced his. At first it was a soft touch. All I could fell was the simple touch of his smooth lips against mine. I softly smiled when I felt his breath touch my nose. He was also quiet when he slept, so most of the time I forgot he was there.

My eyes remained opened as I stood like that for a moment. I was scared I would awake him if I tried anything else.

Although my body wouldn't obey and I was basically pulling off a badass making out scene.

I felt my heart race dramatically once I inched my lips apart to get a gentle taste. I was always curious what Ciel tasted like, but It wasn't like I was going to ask him 'hey Ciel want to make out? I am curious how you taste!' I inwardly cursed myself for letting my curiosity get the better of me.

I shifted my body to fit my comfortably over his and soon my eyes fluttered closed without notice. It was a gentle kiss, but it was also one I yearned for since I was twelve years of age.

Ciel inhaled a breath and I pulled away sharply and backed off of him. I watched as he licked his lips and turned onto his side.

I stared at him as he slept. His worry vanished from his features and I felt relieved. At least for that moment.

He wouldn't remember it because he was asleep, but I would remember it forever.

* * *

><p>"I'm going to marry Lizzy."<p>

Those words tore my insides apart. I felt like a tornado landed inside my body and shredded everything apart. It stung so badly and yet the only words I could manage to spit out was.

"Oh really? Congratulations!" I even gave him a pat on the shoulder and he smiled at me, but it was fake. Why was it fake?

Could he tell that on the inside I was breaking apart?

Could he tell on the inside I was begging myself not to cry?

Could he tell on the inside that I loved him more than anything else?

"Yea, we're moving close to her parents, soI'll be around two hours away. We can still see each other and-"

But everything else he said went in one ear out the other. I felt sick and I needed to leave.

"-so then we can hang out with her family even though it won't be long at least we'll-"

"Ciel, I have to go. I forgot I my job called and I should be going."

Ciel's frowned and for a moment I thought I saw a sparkle of tears in his glassy eyes, "O-oh sure. Go ahead. I'll call you later about this."

I slipped on my shoes and turned the door knob to leave.

"Sebastian."

I froze as he spoke, "Hn..?"

"I." Ciel then sighed, "Take care, alright? Don't drive crazy and wear your seat belt."

I nodded and swiftly made it out the door leaving Ciel standing in my apartment alone.

The drive that night was hard. I tried not to speed, but I was wearing my seat belt, so why did it matter how fast I was going?

I slammed on the breaks as a car pulled out in front of me, "Damn idiot!" I hissed as I swerved the other way.

I was sure I ran a red light and I must have ran two stop signs. Everything was a blur.

I stopped out in the middle of nowhere ignoring the rain as I jumped out of my Nissan and walked around a dirt road. I had no clue where I was or what I was doing, but nothing else mattered.

Ciel was taken away from me by thatthat bitch.

The rain was so cold and I tried to blink back the warm feeling in my eyes.

Why?

Why the hell are my tears coming now?

Why not when Ciel was standing in front of my door way? Why not when I kissed him? Why not when we were dancing, or when we were spending Christmas together or when EVERYTHING else was happening.

I wanted to tell him I loved him. I needed to tell him I loved him.

But.

It wasn't worth it. It wasn't not worth the loss. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to lose our friendship.

I fell into the mud as I collapsed onto my knees. The thunder hissed and the lightening sparked the sky, yet all I could feel was the warm tears glide down my cheeks.

I ran my hand through my ebony hair. I didn't know what to do. Maybe this was a foolish move by my part. I should have found a nice girl to settle down with, but Ciel's face is the only face I see when I think of a future.

He use to question me why I never dated and I would always answer simply with, "I don't have the time." Or, "the right person has never come."

Although I never said that the person was in front of me all along.

Who knows how long I was out there that night. I was crushed and the rain was there to wash my pain away. I begged for it to wash away my pain.

* * *

><p>I was there when he got married to Lizzy. I was his best man after all. I didn't gaze at Lizzy as she came dashing down in her white gown. My eyes were glued to Ciel's and for some reason his eyes were on mine, too.<p>

His eyes only averted mine once Lizzy took his arm and gave him a concerned look.

I don't know why I was there to begin with because the whole time I felt shattered. I hated that Lizzy had the same last name as Ciel and I hated it more when he kissed her.

I noticed that she was very clingy to him and Ciel didn't much care. It made me wonder why he married her? Maybe that was just how their relationship was.

I walked up to Elizabeth and faked a smile, "Congratulations, Lizzy."

She blinked at me, "Oh yes. Ciel finally agreed to marry me! Took him long enough." She teased as he lightly slapped me on the shoulder.

I blinked and furrowed my brows, "How many times did you ask him?"

"Well.." She thought as she put her index finger to her lips, "A lot I guess. He is just stubborn is all."

Through the reception I sat by the cake and glared up at the center pieces. Ciel and Lizzy figurines looked happily at me and I was daring myself to yank the Lizzy piece out and throw it across the room. Then find something that looks like me and plop it on top. Of course I'd have to shove Ciel deeper into the cake because he wasn't tall at all. In fact, even Lizzy was taller than said boy. He was still five feet four inches and to mehe was the most perfect person alive. Although Lizzy would make him wear boots with heels and I inwardly growled at the idea of her bossing him around.

Ciel walked over to me and dipped his finger in the cake, "Yum."

I chuckled as I scooped some with my own finger, "Open wide."

Ciel blushed as he did so and I stuck my pointer finger inside the cavern of his mouth. He sucked the frosting off and grinned, "Cake is the BEST!"

I guess jealously took over because I saw Lizzy approaching us. I pulled Ciel forward, "Dance with me."

Ciel nodded with a confused look as I brought him to the dance floor. I spun him around and laughed as he giggled. He looked only happy with me which was how I liked it. When he would dance with Lizzy he looked stoic. With me he was content and the definition of happy.

I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to let him know.

it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth losing him. It wasn't worth the pain of losing our friendship.

That night when he left with Lizzy on his honey moon I felt drained. I knew it was going to happen, but he left with her. I was no longer included. I didn't go home that night.

I was sure I had never been so intoxicated in my life before.

The next day was a blur as I threw up my entire insanity.

* * *

><p>Time moved slow. Ciel didn't come around anymore and when he did Lizzy was always with him.<p>

He never smiled like before and even when I would crack a joke or tease him, he would never smile sincerely.

What happened to him? What happened to my Ciel?

I was over at his place six months or so after they were married. We were watching some stupid show on TV and Ciel sat next to me with a soda in his hand and a plate of cake sitting on the coffee table.

"How is your marriage going?" I asked.

Ciel scratched the back of his neck, "Fine. Lizzy gets needy, but besides that it is fine."

I nodded, "That's cool."

"Yea"

Everything went awkwardly silent, but what else was there to say?

"How is work going?" I managed to let out.

"It is tough, but at least I am making it by."

"Same here."

Once again silence.

I wanted to tell him. I know I could have, but Lizzy was sleeping right next to him. I inwardly glared at her and sighed. I had to give up this jealously act and accept the fact that Ciel is a married man.

I didn't know what I was thinking all those years ago. Ciel was going to get married and yet I thought that because we were friends everything would have remained the same? I was an idiot! Straight up moron!

Next thing I knew Ciel's head fell against my shoulder as he drifted asleep. That serene look was back on his face and I graced a smile onto my lips. I missed that look so much. Ciel still appeared the same he did back in high school. Although just a tad more stressed.

I leaned over and pecked his forehead as I snaked my arm around his shoulders. I fell asleep next to him and the next day when I awoke..

...he was gone.

* * *

><p>I started to go out with women soon after Ciel's last visit. Once he heard about my new girl friend Angelina he seemed almost upset.<p>

Although I didn't care about her, I had to 'try' and move forward.

I was on the phone with him trying to explain my last night date with her.

"Yea, she was really nice."

Ciel exhaled, "I see. I'm proud of you, Sebastian."

"I am proud of you for learning how to tie your shoes."

Ciel hissed, "I am proud of you for learning how to drive properly!"

I burst into laughter, "Then we're proud people aren't we?"

He got silent and I swallowed down the lump in my throat. "Ciel..?"

"Hey, can I come and see you? I want to give you something."

I nodded through the phone, "Yea, of course."

Ciel hung up without another word.

I just remembered that he was two hours away from me. Why would he drive so far just to give something to me? I felt confused, but waited for him to come anyway.

Around 12 AM in the morning he showed up. Lizzy wasn't with him which surprised me.

"Ciel, hey-"

"SebastianI..." Ciel handed a box out in front of me.

"Your birthday was a month ago and I wasn't there for it, so there."

His voice was sweet, but also grainy. He seemed almost

"Cielthank you." I said as I began to pull at the perfectly tied red ribbon.

"N-no!" Ciel protested as he grabbed my hands, "Open it tomorrow once I am not here anymore."

I gave him a crazed look, but nodded anyway, "Uh, okay I guess."

Ciel and I talked for the next hour about things going on in our lives. I noticed how grown up he was now. It was a little scary, but also kind of cute.

"I should be going." Ciel said as he looked at his cell phone.

"Just stay the night, it is too late and-"

"Nah I really do need to go. Lizzy will worry." Ciel grabbed his over coat and made it towards the front door. I blocked the exit as I glared at Ciel, "Please Ciel. I justthere has to be more. Why did you come here tonight?"

Ciel bit his lower lip and soon after laughed, "Sebastian, it was really stupid for me to come here. I am sorry, I need to go."

He moved past me and out the front door. I followed him down the side walk and watched as he reached his car.

"You're my best friend still. Don't forget that okay?"

Ciel was a very confusing person half the time. I just wanted to know why he was acting so strange tonight.

"Ciel"

He turned around and ran up hugging me tightly. I lost my breath as his hands wrapped around my middle, "Thank you"

I watched as he flashed me his best smile and got inside his car. I had no idea what to say to him, but I'm sure for the rest of my life I'll regret not telling him that I loved him. I should have said it, but I let the moment pass me by. I let him go.

I kept telling myself continuously that it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth the loss.

* * *

><p>The next day I got a phone call at 8 AM in the morning.<p>

I picked up the phone and placed it to my ear.

"Sebastian, Sebastian!"

I was dizzy from sleep. God damnit, it was Lizzy's voice, too. I was sure she was going to yell at me for keeping Ciel so late last night.

"Hgn, what do you want?" I asked groggily.

I heard her crying and tried to sit up in bed. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and yawned, "Why are you crying?"

She sniffled back, "Did you not hear?"

I blinked twice, "huh..?"

"Ciel's body was found at the bottom of a cliff this morning by a t-truckeris d-dead."

'Dead..?'

No, Ciel couldn't be dead. I was with him last night.

I needed to wake up from this nightmare. I tried to shake myself awake, but nothing happened.

"Someone said he committed suicide, but we don't know for sure. We need you down here right away!" She screamed into the phone.

Everything she said made no sense to me. She rambled on for countless minutes, but I wasn't listening. Ciel was not dead.

"This isn't funny to me Lizzy. Put Ciel on the phone."

Lizzy screamed out in tears, "You stupid idiot! I am NOT lying! Ciel is DEAD! He is NOT coming on the phone."

She hung up on me and I stared at the phone for at least twenty minutes before I suddenly threw up all over my bed. I went to take a shower, but I wobbled back and forth losing balance.

She had to have been was lying.

I had to go to Ciel's house and tell him Lizzy was being a bitch again.

But as I walked into my living room I noticed the TV on and the news flashed a scene by a cliff. The volume on the TV was down all the way, but the scene playing on the screen showed a bunch of police cars and caution tape around the scene.

I didn't know what to do.

was no way.

Last night he was with me. He was safe.

I ran out to my car ignoring the rain as I drove 100 miles per hour to his house.

When I got there my heart had finally shattered apart into a million pieces.

There were investigators there asking questions to Lizzy and Lizzy's family and friends.

I walked towards the scene not even realizing I was crying.

"What is going on here?" I asked as I let my eyes wonder the area."

"Sir, I am sure that you heard Ciel Phantomhive died this morning. We found his body at the bottom of a cliff and we need to sit down and ask you some questions-"

I moved past him in a rush and walked up to Lizzy grabbing her shoulders, "Where is HE! WHERE IS CIEL!"

Lizzy was crying and her eyes were blood shot red, "H-he is deadI dunnoI just" She coughed more tears out as she buried her face into her hands.

I moved past her and ran into their house, ignoring the police calling out for me to stop.

I didn't see Ciel anywhere. I noticed there was breakfast still left on the table and a few investigators talking with one another, but there was no Ciel.

I ran into his bed room and looked, but he wasn't there either. I picked up his shirt off his bed and hugged it to my chest. Was Cielgone?

Gone..?

No, he couldn't be gone.

But even though I couldn't accept in inwardly, outwardly I fell to my knees and held his heavily scented shirt as I fell to the floor and fainted.

Maybe I didn't faint. Maybe I cried?

I can't remember.

I don't want to remember.

You can't predict how you'll act when someone you love dies. It justhappens.

For me, I died on the inside.

And I died again at his funeral as they lowered his body into the ground.

So, it was true. He really was deadbut why?

* * *

><p>"We announced this as a suicide, although many of us don't understand why." Lizzy said as she stood on stage at Ciel's funeral. She was wearing a black dress that was way outdone for a funeral. It made me want to strangle her. How could she.<p>

"Although, we found a note in his pocket when he died and on the note there is a nameit isSebastian's name. Sebastian was his best friend." Lizzy spoke as she looked onto the envelope.

"It says on the back to let Sebastian read this, so I decided not to open it and give it to him."

I stood up confused and walked forward. I felt so numb, but moved anyway. All I had to do was move forward.

I took the note once I got on stage and watched as Lizzy moved off the stage. I looked ahead at all the people who came. I knew most of them didn't even know Ciel. I didn't like people and well, the truth be told, he put up with them when he had to.

I opened the letter and subconsciously read the note out loud.

**"To Sebastian,**

**Hey idiot. You better not be crying or else I am going to go down there and throw my shoe at you. Yea, the one that I learned how to TIE! I am smart, ya'know.**

**Look, this isn't suppose to be funny. I need to tell you something which is why I wrote this note to begin with.**

**I met this boy in school when I was eleven years old. He was really nice to me and made me feel special. I didn't know what to do because once we became friends I couldn't stay away from him.**

**Before I knew it I fell in love with this boy and every second I spent with him made it worth it.**

**First it had to be the way he teased me. Or maybe it was the way he made me laugh. He was perfect.**

**The time he asked me to dance made my heart spin. The night he held me close when I was cold made my heart fuzzy.**

**When I was crying because I was stressed, he was there to make me feel alive again! I also can't forget how I asked him to go to college with me. I felt like I was taking his life from him, but I had to have him with me. I felt greedy, but I needed it. I didn't want to lose him.**

**Once I realized I was wasting my life on loving someone who would never love me back I got married. I thought it was the right thing to do.**

By this time tears were trailing down my cheeks and I didn't hesitate to stop them. I had no idea how my voice was sounding, but it was probably a mere whisper. I was robotic, moving in a cycle unlike anything ever described.

**The more life went on the more I felt lifeless. I hated living. When I would see him again I would feel so happy, but I could never tell him how I felt.**

**In the end I knew I had to figure out a way to stop the pain.**

**He was moving on. He was dating now. The boy I fell in love with was slipping away. I should have known.**

**The night on the couch when my wife fell asleep next to me and him against my shoulder.I stole a kiss. I had to know what it was like to taste him. I had to. I just couldn't move another foot in life unless I knew.**

**Maybe I sound stupid and like a fool, but I took my life to escape the pain of not living one at all. I sit my car writing a note the the boy I love and even though I am afraid of heights...I'm afraid of living a life without the one I love more.**

**Sebastian.I wanted to tell you, wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth losing you. It wasn't worth the loss. It wasn't worth the pain. It wasn't worth the hurt.**

**But.**

**I am telling you now that I love you, idiot.**

**I always did. **

I dropped the note and everyone around sat silently stunned. I jumped off the stage and ran, but I had no idea as to where I was running to.

I made it home and slammed my door open. I tore the small box Ciel gave me a few days ago apart until I noticed a small box. I opened it and froze stunned at a small silver ring inside that had a tab saying 'marry me you idiot.'

Inside was also a note that said, 'I was just too shy and I don't know why.'

* * *

><p>I stared at his grave. The sun was setting and it was cold. The wind was blowing, too, which made it all the worse. I sniffed back and yanked on my jacket to warm me.<p>

I looked down at the note in my hands and the five words written on it.

I gritted my teeth as I crumbled it up and tossed it beside his grave. His name was plastered there just to make me cry. I knew it.

I backed away from the grave, those five words stuck in my heart for eternity.

_ It wasn't worth losing you. _

And I was gone.I was gone and to say if I would it wasn't worth the tears.

After all.I loved him and I was too shy and I don't know why.

I slipped my icy hands into my pocket, trying to escape the cold that scarred them. Although the silver ring that wrapped around my finger did not go missed as I walked into the grey void alone.

**end-**

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: _Sometimes in life we get depressed, but we have to remember to live in the moment we have now. Tell that person you love that you love them and don't let it pass you by._

_I am sure many of you will question me why Ciel committed suicide. Honestly, depression kills a person. In the end, Ciel thought that no one loved him. With his parents and then Sebastian._

_Depression can truly swallow a person up, so please don't let it take you or your loved ones. Go hug them and tell them you love them and destroy any sadness they might have._

_Thanks for reading~ _


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